Dear High-Waisted Pants,
You are my new favorite article of clothing. You have a lot of fine qualities to admire, but the combination of them is something to truly be praised.
First of all, I appreciate how you are so good at staying up instead of sliding down all day long. Sitting or standing, you stay exactly where I put you in the morning: high around my waist, going down to my ankles, and not dragging on the floor. When I am wearing you, I can forgo the awkward pants-hike motion. I can bend over and feel secure that you’ll not slide downwards in the process. I don’t even need to wear a belt to keep you in place!
Secondly, you do a fantastic job of keeping my love-handles in line. You are not ashamed of the squishy region above my hips, but instead hug them nicely all day long. When I am wearing you, my muffin-top is no muffin-top at all, but rather a smooth line connecting my hips to my waist. I can feel secure that any of my tops will look flattering when I am wearing you, no matter where (or how snugly) the hem-line hits.
Finally, you are simply a comfortable clothing item. You give me both the room to move about and the security to do so with confidence. You never dig into my stomach when I’m sitting down and you keep my curves contained when I am standing. I also love your pockets. Since they have more space higher up to live in, they can hold my phone in a very comfortable spot that doesn’t bang into my femur.
High-Waisted Pants, you may be remembering that time in high school when I thought you were uncool and silly-looking. I’m sorry about that. I can only assure you that I was young and stupid. I was a slave to the whims of fashion instead of those of common sense. I’ve changed my ways, and I have no intention of going back.
With love and appreciation,
a scientific christian